We may celebrate Father's Day in different degrees, but seldom truly acknowledge the part of fathers in our babies lives or the changes fatherhood bring men. We have talked to clinical and behavioural psychologist Dr. Mark Harrold from Malahide, for his advice and guides to fathers on how to make the most of and enjoy the new role of fatherhood.
What role should or can a father have during pregnancy and childbirth?
The most important role fathers to be can play in pregnancy is to share the emotional journey with his partner, for example, by reading some of the recommended materials together (the stages of pregnancy etc.), attending doctor's appointments and antenatal classes.
The father can also support his partner, who may be experiencing unprecedented tiredness and/or physical discomfort (e.g. morning sickness) in practical ways, cooking, assisting with household tasks, making cups of tea etc. In childbirth, the most important thing is to be there, remain positive and supportive and do what you're told!
How can dads prepare for the arrival of a child? How can he be part of that period when mother and baby have a new and intense relationship?
Dads can work on their own relationship with the baby while he or she is still in the womb – talking to and singing to the child has been shown to develop recognition in the child. Although the primary bond is between the mother and her newborn, mothers can and should include fathers in as much of the practical childcare as possible, such as feeding, changing nappies, bathing the child, cuddling and walking the child – not the mention winding!
How should dads deal with their wives' demands on "how" the baby should be fed, handled, put to bed, dressed, and so on?
Fathers should ask their partners for guidance when it comes to taking care of the baby – effective communication between parents is particularly important at this time.
When is the time for dads to shine, in terms of being a crucial part of their children's lives?
This task begins the moment the baby comes into its parents' lives. There will be daily challenges which fathers should aim to embrace and overcome in a cooperative manner with their partner. There will be opportunities to shine at every stage of the child's life.
What are the major benefits for having an engaged and active role in your children's lives, as a father? In terms of both physical and emotional development.
Time is the most precious commodity that any parent can give their child and any child can receive from their parent. The child benefits from an enhanced sense of security leading to greater self-esteem and confidence. In addition, fathers come to know and understand their children, which can often be missed with the traditional role of breadwinner being adopted.
What is the father's role and impact in a daughter's versus a son's life?
I would describe the father and daughter relationship as that of the princess and the manservant! Over time fathers must learn to do what they're told! In reality, fathers must be aware that spoiling their darling daughters will not serve their long-term interests. This will probably be one of the most difficult tasks of fatherhood.
In contrast, fathers and sons generally enjoy a more equitable relationship, most likely revolving around sporting pursuits. Despite the contrasting dynamics, the critical issue is to make sure to treat your sons and daughters equitably, not making allowances for one over the other, for example.
Why is it so common that dads start working overtime and more hours once a baby arrives? How can mums, and dads, deal with it?
Babies are expensive! Where time is at a premium, it is advisable for couples to schedule times not just for working outside the home, but also time with the children. While this may appear somewhat mechanical, it is the only way to get close to a work-life balance when conflicting demands are placed upon the father's time.
What are the benefits for dads, moms and children of parental leave?
The obvious benefits are an enhanced relationship across all family members, an opportunity to witness as many life stages of your child as possible and, for the child, the joy of having mum and dad to share these experiences.
In divorce, how do fathers avoid being just "weekend-fun-dads" and instead have a stable and grounded relationship with his child?
Divorce demands maturity from both parents when it comes to the children. This means all aspects of discipline and rewards must be discussed and agreed between parents, no matter how acrimonious their personal relationship. In addition, fathers must partake in all aspects of the child's welfare, such as doctor's appointments, parent-teacher meetings, planning of after-school activities and distribution of privileges.
Children's routines should be consistent in both home settings – it is not appropriate to portray oneself as "the fun parent", to the detriment of the other parent. At all costs avoid assuaging personal guilt by providing the children with material rewards.
Dr. Mark Harrold is a clinical psychologist and a member of the
Pampers Village Parenting Panel – see www.pampers.ie for more information.
Do you have any great tips to share?