PARENTHOOD.IE

Having a second child is the most natural choice for most families. Many things are a lot easier the second time around, but there still are challenges to confront and deal with, everything from a renewal of sleepless nights to sibling jealousy.  Having a second child may be more of a chock that you would expect; we give you solutions and possible issues to prepare for.

Having your first child may have been stressful and nerve wrecking, as you dealt with new developments, situations and parenting issues. With a second child you will lean on the experiences you had with your first, both through pregnancy and your baby’s first year. There are plenty of new challenges to prepare for, both relating to you, your relationship and your first child. You may have more experience, but you will definitely have a lot less time.

Marion and Fiona, both mothers of two children, give us some insight of things she had to deal with:
“You think things will be easier with the second, but being out and about is much harder”, says Fiona, “You are back into the cage again”, says Fiona.

"My youngest is now eleven weeks old. I was pleasantly suprised at how easy things have been. Once my maternity leave is over it will become harder tocope", says Marion.

The perfect family expectations

For many parents having a second child is a natural progression for creating the perfect and balanced family. It is not unusual to have unreasonable expectations of how perfect your family will be once you fill all the boxes of an ideal family.

We understand that a second child means a progression to all the development stages we went through with our first, but what we often forget is that while we have more experience the second time round, we will also be dealing with the continued development of the first child.

It is perfectly natural that the second child will not get the undivided attention your first child received.  Rather than jumping onto the guilt train, it is better to review the expectations you have on yourself and your parenting. A second child is also the chance to change your approach to how you dealt with certain parenting issues. Be flexible with yourself and allow for the changes that are needed or present in your life when your second child arrives. A very important factor is also that all children are different, and your second child may have very different needs from your first.

Prepare your older child for the arrival of the baby by including him or her in as many decisions relating to the baby as possible. Let your child help with the choices of nursery decorations, organising the changing area, and so on. Talk or use a book to prepare your older child for what is going to change and happen when the baby arrives, as most children expect and instant playmate.

More to love, more to do

Most parents deal with the arrival of another child without any problems, but it is not uncommon to have doubts about being able to love two children equally, feel guilt about not being able to give equal attention to your children, or even feeling trapped with your family’s needs.

You were probably fairly mobile with one child, even though it may have taken some getting used to it. With a second child everything becomes slightly more complicated. Asking someone to babysit one child is less of an issue than asking them to mind two. Getting two children organised for an outing, during a meal, bath, bed time, and all the rest, is a lot more trying than dealing with just one.

Many parents may experience feelings of resentment and frustration. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself being snappy and impatient at your older child, feeling he or she should know better, help more, be more mature. Or if you find yourself feeling torn between your children’s different needs, unable to fulfil them both and always feeling insufficient.

“I used to feel such guilt. I had done so much with my oldest boy, arts and craft, and then all of a sudden that stopped. I couldn’t fix it or do anything about it. I had to let go of him. He cried for attention, but I needed to give more of it to the baby”, says Fiona.

"My older child has been left behind a little bit. It is easy to give out to the older child when something goes wrong, you can't really blame babies for anything", says Marion.

Organise your life

You know what is coming, so organise well in advance and give yourself plenty of free time. Have plenty of meals ready in advance, declutter and organise your house, have all the things you will need collected and ready.

Depending on your first child’s age, you may need to get a double buggy. While this is not crucial it may also save you from a lot of whining, particularly if your first child is less than four years old. While your toddler may be big enough to walk, seeing the baby in the buggy could lead to plenty of tantrums.

Reorganise and rethink how chores and parenting was handled with your first child. You will probably need your partner to be more involved and take on new responsibilities. Discuss these possible changes and make up a plan with your partner, there is no point in wearing yourself thin trying to do it all.